My poetry is stories of my personal experiences as a woman. I touch on topics of the changing body, gender roles, and others to explain how my definition of feminism has changed over time and how navigating life as a woman created impactful experiences for me from a young age.
You’re 6/Maris is 9/
You’re cute, you’re small, Your voice is soft/
She slowly starts to give you her hand-me-down clothes/ You look up to her, physically/
You stand up on your chair at the dinner table/ So everyone can hear you, and they all laugh/ Your bedroom has butterflies painted on your wall/ and you’re still dad’s baby, especially because you look just like him/
You’re 10, Maris is 13/
She faces middle school mean girls, her first bullies/
You still haven’t faced cattiness, or competition/
She starts to learn algebra, you’re still on times tables/
She gets her period, and she gets acne/ But you do too/
She blends in to the awkwardness everyone knows middle school is/ But you stand out/ You’re one of 2 girls who weighed over 100 pounds when the coach weighed all the 5th graders in PE/
You lie and say the stretch marks on your legs are from hopping a fence, and everyone believes you cause they’ve never seen em before/
You’re 15, Maris is 18/
You stopped growing at the same time/
She’s 5’4, you’re 5’8/
You weigh more than her but still less than mom/
You’re supposed to be the little one, but you haven’t been able to get her jeans over your hips since you were 12/
The senior boys she knows from school tell you they never would’ve guess you were just a freshman/
You’re 22, Maris is 25/
She tells you she can’t believe her baby sister is about to graduate college/
But you haven’t been her “little” sister in years/
You’ve been watching your weight since 5th grade/ You stayed lean, but at what cost? /Mom’s been telling me how my body won’t even change after I have kids since my hips are already wide, at least in comparison to my big sister/
She says she can’t believe how lucky she is to have watched her baby sister grow into a woman/
But I’ve been watching too/
I’ve been watching my weight surpass yours and I’ve been watching the purple stretch marks turn white after years/
I’ve been keeping an eye on my wide hips/
I’ve complained to my mom that you’re petite/ while Dad’s proud I’m big enough to be an athlete/
I’ve complained to mom that I got dad’s height/ and I got his gigantic feet/
I’m still jealous of your tiny body and I can’t relate/ Mom always said ‘you’ll be fine just watch your weight’
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A rotation of roles, cycles/
You’re a sibling, a neighbor, a partner, a friend, a colleague/
‘You are only what other people think of you’/
The first time she said this to me I was 11/
But how can this be true, if it’s true for everyone?/ Maybe only sometimes/ But I thought nobody knows what’s best for me/
What do you want and what do you like? /
Ask me at 6, 8, 13, 18/ I want to be held, I want to be left alone/
How do my long term relationships adjust to me? /
How do I make myself feel comfortable?/
‘You are only what other people think of you’/
She didn’t know either when she said this to me/
She didn’t know herself, she didn’t know these ‘other people’ /
You rotate, again, and again../ 13, change entirely, 14, more changes, so on..’ /
So how do you get comfortable? / What do I want and what do I like? /
Is it supposed to get comfortable? /
I’ve learned that some adjust and some don’t /
I beg of your secrets although I fear your stories /
Different preferences and wants, and comforts/ I want your influence but I crave my independence/ to just be comfortable
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Are you desensitized to it? Extra-sensitive?/
Hyper aware of the moods in the room you must control/
No job for a child, a pre-teen, a high schooler/
What are the earliest times you can think back to? /
From the moment you were born, you had your job/
The baby, the reminder that we built a big family/ But why is it that young girls play referee/
We’re your therapist, the peacemaker, the tension breaker, verbal punching bag/
You’re the youngest, you’ve seen it all, you can handle it/
You’re a woman, you can calm him down/
You’re a woman, he’ll be so hurt if you say no/ You’re a woman, you have to help him learn/
You’re a girl, the teacher will put you next to the bullies, the ones who misbehave/
Your peace is supposed to influence, your grace is to be observed
/ It’s not always fear you feel/ but sometimes it’s anxiety, it’s stress, it’s loneliness, it’s pressure/
And I hate to say it but as a daughter I know, / The tension, the bit of fear reminds you/
It seems that mediation is apart of the contrast/ And if you can’t, you’re worse than him/
The deep screams are whispers against your wild emotion, your craze, your panic/
Fear they instill and fear you have
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What makes a strong woman? /
A woman who has goals, is independent? /
Is it intelligence, confidence, magnificence? /
I like to think I am, but my strength has wavered/
I’m proud that I speak my mind/
Everyone who knows me knows I’ll tell you what I think/
So I will tell you/
Sometimes I fear for myself. I fear for my friends/
My future daughters and nieces, granddaughters/
With puberty, sometimes not even that, comes perversion, taunting, unwanted attention/
Sometimes they try to prepare you, /
but it’s not always a stranger jumping out of a bush when you’re jogging late at night/
Sometimes it’s your good guy friend who’s known you forever, who knows your family/
I’m not afraid to give someone an earful/
But I simply cannot fight off somebody that weighs 65 pounds more than me/
I blamed womanhood for putting me in compromising positions/
Am I inherently more agreeable, more passive, weaker? /
Is my womanhood to blame for these memorable moments? /
But womanhood is my gift/ it is women who give beauty to all things/
The creation and nurturing of life /
The power and challenges and capability of woman/
What makes a man’s world tolerable? Women/
I’ve changed to see it as a gift/
The things i love most about myself now/
Are the glimpses of the sweetest warmth and peace/
There are no limitations, or defining characteristics/
Feminism sees value in every woman no matter where the strenghts lie/
Feminism sees strength and love in the versitality of woman
It is my feminism that I uphold the most, that I channel the most strength in, that I am the most proud of…
BIO
My name is Lily Paden and I’m from outside Los Angeles. My educational background is in both World Arts and Cultures and Public Affairs. I have been lucky enough to have outstanding female influences throughout my life, and chose to create a project dedicated to the strong women who have guided me in both my younger and adult years.